Clipping Armistice

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I feel angry and frustrated, so frustrated. And it’s not because I’m a ginger. It’s because they don’t see things the way that I do.  I see some of the others, most of the others, as lazy, uninformed, comfortable, brainwashed and spoon-fed. Habitual thinkers. I see a wave of people caught up in the wave of the crowd being pushed around like sheep in a heard. Blissfully ignorant, lemmings as it were. This is a group that dismisses and shoves ugly and mystery under the rug. I see a population blind to what is accessible to them, and in return receive a pat on the back for being so “faithful”. This is an organization that I am a part of, oddly enough, and one that I have been participating in for many years. 

I have certain biases that I carry toward my faith and the culture around it.  Some aspects are admittedly admirable and I adore about our culture. Who can say that casseroles and hand delivered thank you notes are anything but an innocent and loving act? Or that green jell-o, however revolting it might be, is the worst thing in the world?  It’s kind of cute to say “Oh my heck”, instead of “oh my hell” isn’t it?  It’s admirable how dedicated Mormons are to service, and providing humanitarian aid for those in need around the world.  Mormons have a deeply rooted value in family connections across generations. There are many other aspects about Latter-Day Saint members that I greatly respect. The value of participating in a community that comes with participating in a religion is noteworthy. 

We all carry prejudices and biases in one form or another. It’s always a difficult process to objectively look at one’s own biases. It takes a certain level of honesty and internal reflection to come up with answers. In the process of dissection and categorizing, identifying internal and external influences that shape prejudices proves a difficult path.  Following my continual moment of reflection, it appears to be obvious that I carry many prejudices.  All of which are hypocritical I’m sure, elitist and ultimately apathetic. What experiences lead me to feel and think this way about this certain group of individuals?

Let’s first pause and agree that the less exposed an individual, to a particular group, the less informed the person is.  To form any substantial conclusion about a particular group or individual, one must spend the proper time and effort to observe and participate.  A scientist would only make a hypothesis after having observed or experienced phenomena several times before, and after many repeated trails and experiments, the scientist reaches fairly concrete conclusions.  An individual that has years of experience exposed to a certain group, has, let’s say, more leverage.  By simply stating that you carry a bias for a particular group because you haven’t been exposed to them is a cop out and a weak reflection on your part.  Let’s add then, to the information you already know about me, in hopes of proving that I have some weight in the discussion about Mormon culture.

I grew up in Centerville, Utah.  Aside from the In-and-Out burger, one might identify Centerville as the city with lovely landscapes in the hill hugging residents of a wind-blown city.  97% of C-ville-ites are Caucasian, most middle to high-class well off Republicans.  Centerville, not actually centrally located in the Beehive state is a blessed suburbia, and that’s not meant to be facetious, 20 minutes north of Salt Lake City.  In Salt Lake resides the headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Utah is predominantly a religious people, of Latter-Day Saint faith, or Mormon, and has been across many generations. I experienced a homogenous upbringing to say the least, born into the church, surrounded by the cultural influence of Mormonism. 

As I have 24 years worth of experience, in exposure to Mormonism, I’d like to think that my prejudices and biases around this group of people is somewhat more informed than my biases towards other groups. Worthy of note--the more soaked you are in a particular culture, the harder it is to step outside and examine it objectively wringing out biases drop by drop.  This proves to be a tricky task, and a slow process, but one that is worthwhile.

My biases towards and against my own religious culture perhaps stem from various factors, my personality being one of them.  For one thing, I hate being told what to do.  Secondly, I would not consider myself a follower, or more accurately a conformer, and I don’t want to be, I can be at times, but I don’t want to be that way.  To a certain extent you are what you hope to be, I hope to be courageous enough to stand up, even when I might be alone.  Because of this, I feel alone, profoundly alone.  I feel as if I’m a rarity as a “black sheep” and just as rare are the few other “black sheep”. I can’t discuss my deepest thoughts and concerns about Mormon thought.  I never want to burden the naïve or sheltered with the reality of suffering I see in the world. Yet I ache for them to address each chapter carefully like I hope to.  I would hate to harm another with the trouble and burden of unanswerable questions I have constantly tracking through my mind, to be as a “gadfly” as Socrates self-proclaimed. Feeling alone is not a positive emotion; it’s a negative one, and I don’t like feeling it. This is the poignant part. Emotion drives prejudice, perhaps in a stronger and more real, intimate and private sense, than other influences do.  Maybe my prejudice towards those that don’t think about things like I do, and don’t ask the sorts of questions I do is part of my personality.  I’m one that has a tendency for inquiry.  I’m also not a bull-shitter by any means, I’m a straight shooter, I refuse to bear witness of something that I don’t know. All of these personality traits of mine, and the emotions that I feel can cause friction in my relationship with religion and larger organizations in general, and may sway my perceptions of who Mormon people are and where they are at in their quest for truth. 

My biases come from the influence of others around me as well.  Those that I look up to and respect have impacted my views; my mother in particular has been a support and catalyst in my growth process. Other family members also have influenced my biases against my own culture. Friends, ward members, bloggers, tweeters, Facebook groups, authors, church leaders, scholars, and many other people--strangers even, have impacted my thoughts and feelings.  I can think of countless occasions when I have been either uplifted or disturbed by the comments of others within my religion. 

Humans are complex, fluid beings, and nothing can be more stimulating to complexity than combining several millions of them together under one giant Mormon umbrella. Just as everyone else is on a different road, or level of growth, I am subject to the same.  I may change and move and grow, and quite frankly hope to do so throughout my entire life. 

I can’t help but think that there are always two sides to every coin.  There is always going to be black and white, but there will always be many shades of rainbow colored gray’s in between.  Good and bad will always exist within every large organization, in every group, and within every individual.   I am a part of an organized religion, with that comes the good and the bad.  And I cope with it. What weighs the most is what you choose to give weight; It’s a matter of choosing how you react to your environment however fluid it may be.  I’m not one of “those” Mormons, I hope to never be one of “those” Mormons, but I am one of those Mormons.