-->
I feel angry and
frustrated, so frustrated. And it’s not because I’m a ginger. It’s because they
don’t see things the way that I do.
I see some of the others, most of the others, as lazy, uninformed,
comfortable, brainwashed and spoon-fed. Habitual thinkers. I see a wave of people
caught up in the wave of the crowd being pushed around like sheep in a heard. Blissfully
ignorant, lemmings as it were. This is a group that dismisses and shoves ugly
and mystery under the rug. I see a population blind to what is accessible to
them, and in return receive a pat on the back for being so “faithful”. This is
an organization that I am a part of, oddly enough, and one that I have been
participating in for many years.
I have certain
biases that I carry toward my faith and the culture around it. Some aspects are admittedly admirable
and I adore about our culture. Who can say that casseroles and hand delivered
thank you notes are anything but an innocent and loving act? Or that green
jell-o, however revolting it might be, is the worst thing in the world? It’s kind of cute to say “Oh my heck”,
instead of “oh my hell” isn’t it?
It’s admirable how dedicated Mormons are to service, and providing
humanitarian aid for those in need around the world. Mormons have a deeply rooted value in family connections
across generations. There are many other aspects about Latter-Day Saint members
that I greatly respect. The value of participating in a community that comes with participating in a religion is noteworthy.
We all carry
prejudices and biases in one form or another. It’s always a difficult process
to objectively look at one’s own biases. It takes a certain level of honesty
and internal reflection to come up with answers. In the process of dissection
and categorizing, identifying internal and external influences that shape
prejudices proves a difficult path. Following my continual moment of reflection,
it appears to be obvious that I carry many prejudices. All of which are hypocritical I’m sure,
elitist and ultimately apathetic. What experiences lead me to feel and think
this way about this certain group of individuals?
Let’s first pause
and agree that the less exposed an individual, to a particular group, the less
informed the person is. To form
any substantial conclusion about a particular group or individual, one must
spend the proper time and effort to observe and participate. A scientist would only make a
hypothesis after having observed or experienced phenomena several times before,
and after many repeated trails and experiments, the scientist reaches fairly
concrete conclusions. An
individual that has years of experience exposed to a certain group, has, let’s
say, more leverage. By simply
stating that you carry a bias for a particular group because you haven’t been
exposed to them is a cop out and a weak reflection on your part. Let’s add then, to the information you
already know about me, in hopes of proving that I have some weight in the
discussion about Mormon culture.
I grew up in
Centerville, Utah. Aside from the
In-and-Out burger, one might identify Centerville as the city with lovely
landscapes in the hill hugging residents of a wind-blown city. 97% of C-ville-ites are Caucasian, most
middle to high-class well off Republicans. Centerville, not actually centrally located in the Beehive
state is a blessed suburbia, and that’s not meant to be facetious, 20 minutes
north of Salt Lake City. In Salt
Lake resides the headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day
Saints. Utah is predominantly a
religious people, of Latter-Day Saint faith, or Mormon, and has been across
many generations. I experienced a homogenous upbringing to say the least, born
into the church, surrounded by the cultural influence of Mormonism.
As I have 24 years
worth of experience, in exposure to Mormonism, I’d like to think that my
prejudices and biases around this group of people is somewhat more informed
than my biases towards other groups. Worthy of note--the more soaked you are in a
particular culture, the harder it is to step outside and examine it objectively
wringing out biases drop by drop. This
proves to be a tricky task, and a slow process, but one that is worthwhile.
My biases towards
and against my own religious culture perhaps stem from various factors, my
personality being one of them. For
one thing, I hate being told what to do.
Secondly, I would not consider myself a follower, or more accurately a
conformer, and I don’t want to be, I can be at times, but I don’t want to be
that way. To a certain extent you
are what you hope to be, I hope to be courageous enough to stand up, even when
I might be alone. Because of this,
I feel alone, profoundly alone. I
feel as if I’m a rarity as a “black sheep” and just as rare are the few other
“black sheep”. I can’t discuss my deepest thoughts and concerns about Mormon
thought. I never want to burden
the naïve or sheltered with the reality of suffering I see in the world. Yet I
ache for them to address each chapter carefully like I hope to. I would hate to harm another with the
trouble and burden of unanswerable questions I have constantly tracking through
my mind, to be as a “gadfly” as Socrates self-proclaimed. Feeling alone is not
a positive emotion; it’s a negative one, and I don’t like feeling it. This is
the poignant part. Emotion drives prejudice, perhaps in a stronger and more
real, intimate and private sense, than other influences do. Maybe my prejudice towards those that
don’t think about things like I do, and don’t ask the sorts of questions I do
is part of my personality. I’m one
that has a tendency for inquiry. I’m
also not a bull-shitter by any means, I’m a straight shooter, I refuse to bear witness
of something that I don’t know. All of these personality traits of mine, and
the emotions that I feel can cause friction in my relationship with religion
and larger organizations in general, and may sway my perceptions of who Mormon
people are and where they are at in their quest for truth.
My biases come
from the influence of others around me as well. Those that I look up to and respect have impacted my views;
my mother in particular has been a support and catalyst in my growth process. Other
family members also have influenced my biases against my own culture. Friends,
ward members, bloggers, tweeters, Facebook groups, authors, church leaders, scholars,
and many other people--strangers even, have impacted my thoughts and feelings. I can think of countless occasions when
I have been either uplifted or disturbed by the comments of others within my
religion.
Humans are complex,
fluid beings, and nothing can be more stimulating to complexity than combining
several millions of them together under one giant Mormon umbrella. Just as
everyone else is on a different road, or level of growth, I am subject to the
same. I may change and move and
grow, and quite frankly hope to do so throughout my entire life.
I can’t help but
think that there are always two sides to every coin. There is always going to be black and white, but there will
always be many shades of rainbow colored gray’s in between. Good and bad will always exist within
every large organization, in every group, and within every individual. I am a part of an organized religion, with that comes the
good and the bad. And I cope with
it. What weighs the most is what you choose to give weight; It’s a matter of
choosing how you react to your environment however fluid it may be. I’m not one of “those” Mormons, I hope
to never be one of “those” Mormons, but I am one of those Mormons.
